It can be so subtle that you may end up questioning whether you have just imagined it. Envy is a word that is often used interchangeably with jealousy, but there are distinct differences between the two emotions. Jealousy generally involves three people. You may be in relationship with someone, and you fear that someone else might steal your special person away. Jealousy is fairly active and conscious, and it can be a result of feeling insecure.
Envy, on the other hand, tends to be shadowy and unconscious. Envy generally involves two people. The envious person may deeply want what the other person has, and feels frustrated at not being able to have it. The envious person can then act on that frustration and may then subtly or sometimes obviously attack the other person.
Envy is often rooted in low self-esteem — sometimes from very early unmet childhood needs where the person feels inherently not good enough. And so they seek to bring down the object or person who they perceive is making them feel that way. They feel deficient in themselves and have a constant hunger to fill that deficiency. Envious people can be competitive.
We offer therapy sessions seven days a week from our centres in Clapham and Tooting. While it is less clear how active usage affects wellbeing, there does seem to be a small positive link, he explains, between using Facebook to connect with others and feeling better.
Perhaps, though, each of us also needs to think more carefully when we do use social media actively, about what we are trying to say and why — and how the curation of our online personas can contribute to this age of envy in which we live.
When I was about to post on Facebook about some good career-related news recently, my husband asked me why I wanted to do that.
I did not feel comfortable answering him, because the truth is it was out of vanity. Because I wanted the likes, the messages of congratulations, and perhaps, if I am brutally honest, I wanted others to know that I was doing well. I felt ashamed. It is easy to justify publicising a promotion on Twitter as necessary for work, as a quick way of spreading the news to colleagues and peers.
Friends, family, colleagues — anyone who needs to know will find out soon enough; with news that is quite personal, do we need to make it so public?
Honing your personal brand on social media may seem good for business, but it does have a price. It all creates an atmosphere where showing off — whether unapologetically or deceptively — is not just normalised but expected, and that is a space where envy can flourish.
I do not think the answer necessarily always lies in being more honest about our lives — it might sometimes lie in simply shutting up. Of course, raising awareness about previously hushed-up, devastating experiences of miscarriage or abuse or harassment can have the power to challenge stigma and change society. For example, if you envy your productive colleague, you may find that you could be more productive yourself if you learned to manage your time better.
You may even be able to get a few tips from him or her— upward social comparison can be a source not only of motivation but also of useful information. The bottom line: Envy drains our happiness and saps our energy. Become a subscribing member today. Scroll To Top Life is full of reminders of what we lack. Get the science of a meaningful life delivered to your inbox. About the Author.
Juliana Breines Juliana Breines, Ph. Or because someone else got the opportunity that you had hoped for. Perhaps you are feeling envious because you are afraid of losing something and feel that if you do then you have hit rock bottom. Focusing your mind on the scarcity can really screw with your thoughts, feelings and life. It can cause much stronger negative emotions than is really reasonable. And it gets you really stuck in the envy, intensifying it, making it stronger and more long-lasting by feeding it with more thoughts and emotional energy.
To get out of this confining and destructive mentality you can choose to focus on the opportunities and the new chances. You can develop an abundance mentality. This way of thinking relieves much of the pressure you may feel if you have a scarcity mentality that makes you think that you only got this shot right now. So keep your focus steadily on the opportunities, on the new chances, on what you can learn from your failures as best you can instead of confining your mind and your life.
And each time I fall back into that negative headspace and behaviour I remind myself of this question and the answer.
When you are being envious you may not take chances or go into the unknown. You just judge people that have taken the chances from the safety of the sidelines. Feeling envious can also make you feel like a victim. Such a mentality may sound very unattractive for anyone to want. But in reality it brings you attention and validation because you can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out.
Taking responsibility for your own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. When you are ready to let go of that safety and those somewhat strange upsides it will be easier to change how you act and how you think about things. Other benefits of getting a life are that you become a lot more relaxed and less prone to overreacting about the little things. Henrik Edberg is the creator of the Positivity Blog and has written weekly articles here since Click here to learn more… Comments on this entry are closed.
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